


Anchor in the Waves (The Shadows Where I Hide)

by moonridge



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forbidden Romance, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonridge/pseuds/moonridge
Summary: " The cauldron chose three sisters. tell me how it’s possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another? "
Relationships: Azriel/Gwyneth Berdara, Elain Archeron & Azriel, Elain Archeron/Azriel, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 11
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I finished reading acosf and I just love Azriel/Elain so I had to write their story. Just because I can not wait for sjm to write it. I will try to update regularly. I want to but I am in uni so that will take most of my attention. 
> 
> This does not have a beta reader so I am sorry for any spelling errors or any mistakes. I really have an idea as to where this story will go. There will be nessian and feysand appearances. I am not sure yet how big of a part these couples will play, since it is Azriel and Elain's story. 
> 
> Although this chapter is short, I wanted to post it to get myself to keep updating otherwise I will write and write and nothing will get posted. Next chapter will be longer. I am sort of new at writing fics so bear with me as I struggle to write the characters and plot and fit them all together as I see it in my head. 
> 
> On my tumblr I will be posting snippets and quotes from this story as well as any aesthetics or pics that go with this story on my tumblr which is highqueenfeyre.tumblr.com. There you can ask questions as well. 
> 
> I am excited to write this. Thank you for reading and giving this a chance.

Azriel woke to a moonlit sky, his shadows swirling around him, as if trying to comfort him. He had woken from another nightmare. One from his childhood this time. His body was slick with sweat, the blankets and sheets were damp and twisted at his feet, as if he had tried to escape the blankets in the midst of his dream. 

The cool breeze coming from the open windows calmed him as he breathed in the crisp night air. It was well into fall and the mountains were beginning to chill and the House of Wind did not have the warmth the city below provided. Thankfully Cassian and Nesta were asleep and that he hadn’t woken his brother in the midst of his horrors. Azriel turned to the side and eyed the small bottle of powder Elain had given him more than a year prior -her solstice gift. He hadn’t used it. Not even for the migraines he got frequently. He wanted to save it, cherish it. Wanted to keep it as a reminder that there was someone who noticed. Who cared. 

Elain had begun as a dream. Just one. But one enough for him to desire her. To want her enough to forget about Mor and those dreams of a life he wished to have with her. It started off small. Wanting to garden with her. Eat beside her. During the year it had gotten to be more. Secret touches in the shadows and under tables, glances and soft smiles when they knew no one was looking. Azriel longed for her. Ached for her. Longed for the life he dreamed of. 

Azriel was envious of his brothers. He tried to hide it, but it got tiring trying to hide his sorrow and pain that being alone brought him. He was happy for his brothers. Both mated, both happy as can be. All their dreams had come true after all. Rhysand had been glowing with pride and happiness ever since Nyx had been born. A glow that Feyre echoed. 

Azriel longed for that happiness. Just wanted to share his life with someone, have that intimacy that his brothers had. But Azriel only had his shadows- feared that it was all he was ever going to have. That somehow, for some reason, the cauldron - whatever made fate, had cursed him to be forever alone. He thought of the golden haired beauty, the one who was currently asleep in her bed, his shadows had told him. Her smile that made the sun jealous, eyes that echoed the stars, gentle hands he wished to hold. No, he thought. Rhysand had told him to stay away, not his brother that had ordered him to, but his High Lord. An order he couldn’t refuse. An order that echoed into his bones and sliced into his soul. 

Rhysand had never pulled rank often. Once in the five hundred years he had been alive Rhys had commanded him. Rhys had used  _ that  _ voice, the one no fae could fight- a High Lord’s command. He had never thought he would hear it directed at him again. That command of pure fury. Azriel shuddered at the memory, wanting to forget it. He refused to believe it was only weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime. He thought Rhys would understand. With what happened with Feyre and Tamlin, the longing and agony he had seen Rhys go through. But Rhysand was a High Lord, the most powerful in history and he was just a bastard-born shadowsinger, one who didn’t have a happy ending. 

It was nearing morning, the sun lighting up the horizon behind the mountains. Another night gone, another day ahead of him. Rising he dressed, his leathers cold from the night air. Siphons gleaming blue he walked to the training arena to fight off his nightmare. He needed to find a place of his own. When Rhys had gifted The House of Wind to Cassian and Nesta as a mating gift, it felt as if Rhys had forgotten it was his home too, had been for over three hundred years. Now-it felt like a distant memory, not a home. Cassian had insisted he stay, that it was his home as much as it was his. Azriel had wanted to laugh. It wasn’t his home the moment Rhys had gifted it. 

He walked over to the fighting ring. A bag for punching was hung in the corner, still there from the night he had hung it up. Azriel didn’t bother wrapping his hands, he wanted to feel something, anything, even if it was the skin on his knuckles shredding underneath the punches. Punch after punch Azriel wouldn’t stop. The sun had risen and he heard Cassian come up behind him. He smelled the scent of Nesta lingering on him first before he heard his friend’s voice. 

“That punching bag do something to you?” Cassian joked and held the bag still for him to punch. 

“Nope.” Azriel retorted, his breath coming in pants. Shadows curling around his hands and legs. “Just working out as usual.”

Cassian frowned, not saying anything but adjusted his stance to hold the bag in place. Azriel wanted Cassian to say something. Just so he could yell at him to go away, to yell at him that his stupid mating bond was making him crazy with jealousy. That he couldn’t stand to be near Rhysand or him any longer. But Cassian being Cassian said nothing at all. This was normal, this is what Azriel could take. 

Hours went by and when Azriel felt like every muscle in his body was screaming, when he was done in the training rings, his knuckles were bleeding and he was covered in a film of sweat, his hair damp and plastered to his forehead. Cassian had been across the floor doing his own training but Azriel could still feel his eyes follow him to the door. Azriel thanked whatever gods there were that Cassian had left him alone. He didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to do anything. This anger he had. This drive of protection that tied him to Elain. This female that had a gentle heart and gentle touch. A healer. A seer. This female from the moment he saw her, wanted to protect her. Love her. He cursed the gods- the cauldron, that she was given to another. 

He looked into the vast sitting room of the House of Wind. Memories flooded his mind. Rhys, Cassian and him sitting by the fire laughing. Cassian and Rhys fighting by the fire when they were just young children. Cassian and him going over battle strategies while drinking ale until the early morning light. The house didn’t seem like home anymore. It hadn’t since Rhys had gifted it to Nesta and Cassian as a mating gift. He was right to. He would’ve done it himself if he had the power to. 

He owed Nesta his life for saving Rhys- his brother, his mate and son, Feyre and Nyx. The love he felt for both of them, his sister and nephew. That’s what they were. The familial bond that tied his life to them. The protectiveness that he felt towards them. He felt guilty at how angry he felt towards Rhys. Felt pain and sorrow that he couldn’t feel close to him as he used to. 

Azriel shuffled down the hallway, his wings tight against him. It would be the last time he walked down this hallway. The last time he ate in the kitchen and dining room. The last time he would sit by the fire. The last time he would sleep in the bed he had occupied for the last four hundred years. It didn’t matter. No where had really felt like home. Only when Rhys and Cassian had resided here with him had it felt like someplace special. But both his brothers were mated. Rhys and Feyre a house that was on the river looking down on Velaris. Cassian and Nesta had the House of Wind. But Azriel had nothing. Only thing to his name was Rosehall. A manor full of nightmares and horrors. 

A brush down the back of his mind was the only thing he felt before he heard Rhys’s voice in his head.  _ Cassian told me of your training today. He is worried as am I. _

Az griminced. He had thought that he had been hidden enough.  _ I am fine. Tired. But fine.  _

Rhy’s doubt and concern filled his body before a sweeping warmth he knew to be Feyre ran from his head to his toes. Of course Feyre would be concerned. When it came to her family, Feyre was a fierce protector and would give anything to see her family safe. An image of Nyx went through his mind. The baby reaching out to someone who wasn’t there babbling and making a noise he knew to be his. 

_ Eat with us. Nyx has been calling for you. He misses his uncle.  _ Feyre’s calming voice filled his mind. Smiling, Azriel walked over to the bed to grab the bag he had packed. He walked over to the open window and jumped his wings catching in the current and flew down to the house on the river that was gleaming with faelights. The house radiated warmth and knew that tonight he would sleep well. 

Azriel landed on the soft green grass that surrounded the manor. Rhys stepped out from the wide open doors, a wide grin on his face. “I am glad you took Feyre up on her offer. We missed you too much.” 

Chuckling Azriel walked up and embraced Rhys’s hug before letting go quickly. He still wasn't used to the way Rhys was touchy. He had often wished he had what Rhys and Cassian did. Almost an effortless way of hugging and joking punches. Had often seen them shove their wings against the others shoulders in a familial way. 

“I was worried that I would have to make Rhys go fetch you.” Feyre said from the doorway, a light breeze ruffling her hair. Nyx was nestled in her arms. He had grown and was now able to hold his head up and look around. His small wings flaring against the gentle breeze as if they had a mind of their own and knew that the skies were theirs. 

Azriel smiled, his shadows staying behind them as they did when he showed happiness. “How could I refuse my favorite nephew.” As if Nyx heard him, he loud bubbling coo and reached out his arms towards Azriel. Taking the infant into his arms he looked down at the small bundle in his arms. Nyx had his father’s eyes and Feyre’s mouth. Azriel knew that as the boy grew older that his mouth would have his mother’s smile and his father’s smirk. Nyx’s hair that was once a small tuft of hair had grown. He now had a head full of pitch black hair, just like his father’s. 

Azriel glanced up at Rhys who was carefully watching Azriel from behind Feyre, his arms wrapped around her waist and head resting on her head. Azriel knew that Rhys trusted him with Nyx’s life but the primal fae male part of him would still be wary. That Rhys would still be on guard that someone was holding his child, his mate’s child. As if Nyx knew he was being ignored he squirmed in Azriel’s arms kicking his legs and waving his arms. Nyx’s chubby cheeks were pink and eyes bright. Azriel knew right then that he wanted this. Wanted his own children. 

Feyre grinned, “He’s been kicking like that all morning. He’s going to be running soon enough. Though Rhys thinks he might fly first with the way he moves those wings.” 

Azriel let out a low laugh. “ I have to agree with you Rhys. Nyx seems like he is ready to take flight right now. If he will be anything like you, you might see him flying out the window soon enough.” 

Rhys let out a laugh that Feyre echoed. “I am sure that I will be chasing after him too. I don’t think anything can stop him once he’s had a taste of the skies.” 

Azriel couldn’t stop from smiling. This bundle of joy in his arms had him smiling more than he had all these months. Taking Nyx from his arms Rhys glanced at the bag at Azriel’s feet. “You going somewhere?” 

Azriel shook his head. “No, Cassian and Nesta have been-” Azriel paused trying to think of the right word to say. “They’ve been a bit loud recently.” 

Rhys let out another barking laugh. “Too loud. That’s a nice way of putting it. I assume you are not going to be staying there anymore for a while.” 

Azriel nodded, “I figure I would stay in the town house. If I may.” 

Rhys held Nyx in one arm and clapped Azriel’s back with the other. “The house is yours for as long as you wish. You don’t have to ask.” 

Azriel was grateful. Peace and quiet was what he needed. Having the town house to himself was a luxury he couldn’t wait to have. Perhaps tonight he would have a decent night sleep. Feyre was clearing off the table of Nyx’s toys and clothes from the dining room table. It seemed as if they had just gotten back from shopping. Something inside Azriel twisted at the thought. The image of Rhys and Feyre and Nyx walking around together as a family, sent a deep wave of pain through him. 

Rhys handed Nyx back over to his mate who cooed and kissed Nyx’s chubby cheeks, eyes full of love. Then he followed Rhys back into his office. Memories of the last time he was in here made his shadows tighten around him. He still felt the order of Rhys flow through him. He thought of Elain. Could feel her in this house. He felt her presence like a light shining in the dark, calling him, becoming him to come to her. 

Azriel glanced out the window and saw Elain. She was in the garden, her hands dirty from the dirt. Her dress a light pink and her hair tied in a bun at the top of her head. Small tendrils of hair wisped at her long slender neck and images of that night flooded his mind once again. He remembered how her neck felt, how she smelt. Her arousal had hit him so hard it took everything he had to not fall to his knees. Never in his five hundred years had a female made him feel this way. Not even Mor. Fierce, stunning Mor who had been a longing he had endured his long life. Azriel thought he knew pain. He had felt the longing, tugging pain when it came to Mor. But this - this was a different pain. It seared his soul and branded his body with a fire that never let him go. How could he endure? How could he wake and sleep when she was right there. Elain, gentle heart, seer and flower-grower. 

Elain’s eyes burned into his memory. Those kind eyes and blushing cheeks. He wished to kiss her. Wanted her to feel the yearning of his soul. But he could not. By order of his High Lord she was forbidden. Azriel hadn’t sensed Lucien here. His scent was scarce as if the fae male hadn’t been here in weeks. A part of Azriel glowed with a possessive streak.  _ His.  _

Azriel didn’t know what part of him thought that. But it echoed in his bones and he knew it to be true. How could he say this. How could he say that Lucien was lying when everyone could smell the mating bond between them. How would anyone believe him when there was no bond between Elain and himself. 

Rhys growled from behind his desk. “Careful of your thoughts Azriel. I warned you once. Do not make me repeat myself.” 

Azriel glowered at him. “I have not gone against your orders. I have stayed away. Have not come close to her until today. I did not think she would be out in the garden when I came. Last time I saw her she was spending her days fixing the royal gardens near the art district. I would not have come if I knew she was here.” 

Rhys leaned forward, “This truce is already too fragile. Lucien is her mate. Because of her we have ties to Jurian and Vassa. I have told you that we need them. There is a war coming. It could already be here. We need the alliance of the Autumn Court and if Lucien feels as if his mate is in danger he could feel as though he has to go to his father to keep her safe. This. Can. Not. Happen. Am I clear.” 

“You think of me as a child then? After all we have been through. You think I do not know of the dangers that are being whispered in the very air we breathe. The cauldron has awakened many beasts Rhysand. Some beasts my shadows do not even dare utter. Nesta being able to feel and find the trove was no coincidence.” 

Rhys growled at him. Eyes blazing with anger. “You think I treat you as a child?” Azriel could not help but shudder at the power that Rhys had released. “Have I done anything that betrays you.” Azriel shot back, his siphons gleaming. 

“I might remind you of what I saw that night. What you were thinking I do not know. With Lucien down the hall. I will pay for whatever pleasure hall you wish. I will tell you again to put this behind you. Elain is not your mate. She is not yours.” 

Azriel began to shake, his rage bubbling to the surface like a volcano. “I once knew you as a male who would allow a female to choose her fate. But now all I see and hear is a male I do not know. You would really have Elain be forced to be with someone. Be forced to be with Lucien because she is his mate. This is not the male I grew up with.” 

Rhys was silent and his power was a deadly force that was spreading from his body. Azriel thought that he had gone too far. That this argument had ended their five hundred year friendship, their brotherhood. “I would never force Elain to be with Lucien. Do not dare assume I would.” 

It was silent between them. Minutes passed between them. The silence was deafening. It felt like an eternity before Rhysand sighed and spoke in a tired voice and rubbed his temples. “I do not wish to fight with you. It is the last thing I ever want to do. I am trying to protect you not harm you.” Rhys paused and got up to stand directly in front of him. Leaning on the desk Rhys put a shield around them. Azriel knew that this shield was so strong that no one but Feyre could break it. “What I tell you must stay between us. Not even Cassian can know, at least not for now. Only Feyre and I know. She found out years ago and it has not been uttered since.” 

Azriel’s mood shifted as he felt the anger release from his friend. Rhys had probably been talking to Feyre in those minutes of silence. Whatever she said had convinced Rhys to let him in, to tell him of what Azriel knew to be life altering. 

“Lucien is not Beron’s son.” 

Azriel froze, even his shadows were frozen in shock, unmoving. They lay still at his sides not daring to move until their shadowsinger moved himself.” 

“What are-” Azriel could not utter the words.

“Centuries ago the Lady of the Autumn Court had an affair. She fell in love. Beron knew, he suspects Lucien is not his son but he has no proof since she was with them both at he time Lucien was conceived. Lucien, granted luck by whatever fate there is, he inherited his mother’s flame. Enough that he could easily pass as Beron’s son.” 

Azriel could only gape at Rhys. He, for once, could not find the words to talk. 

Rhys continued. “Lucien, is Helion’s son and could possibly be the heir, the only heir to the Day Court.” 

Azriel ran a hand through his hair, a habit he had picked up from Rhysand. His shadows once again alive and moving, wrapping around him as if they wanted to protect him, guard him. It was as if they knew the danger that Rhys had just voiced.

“You see now. If you pursue Elain. Lucien could very well go to his father, his mother, even his brothers and turn them against us. They might very well treat Elain as if she belonged to Lucen. Eris knows what they are. He has not spoken of it.” Rhys clenched the table, his knuckles going white. Azriel knew that he was fighting his instincts. His instincts to protect his mate and son at all costs. That even the thought of danger had him half ready to destroy all that posed a danger to his family. 

Azriel could smell the fear in the room. Rhys took a deep breath, trying to control himself. “There is another possibility.” Rhys swallowed, “If Helion finds out, gods, we could very well have the Day Court and the Autumn Court at our borders. Not to mention whatever bonds Lucien has made with Vassa and Jurion. There could be an internal war. I will not have that. I will do everything I can to prevent that.” 

Azriel began pacing. “Does Lucien know. Does he think-”

Rhys snarled at the thought of Lucien finding out. “Lucien knows nothing. He still thinks of Beron as his father. I am not sure what will happen if he finds out. If Helion finds out.” Rhys shuddered. “I am terrified of what Beron will do if he finds out about his wife’s betrayal. She might have Helion on her side since she is Lucien’s mother, and that they loved each other, but the chances are slim that she will even make it out of that court alive. Even then, Helion will have to decide if he wants to declare Lucien his son and that might be a different war altogether between Day and Autumn.” 

Whatever Azriel thought today would be like. This wasn’t it. This news could very well destroy Prynthian. The courts would fight each other. With the threat of Koschei, war between the courts would possibly be death on a massive scale. The courts may very well not survive. Rhys was still, watching Azriel with those blazing eyes. They followed Azriel as he paced, not taking his eyes off of the shadowsinger for a second. 

“Do you have a plan for this?” 

Rhys looked Azriel in the eyes. Pure power was what Azriel saw. A promise of death. “I do not. All I know is that if this threatens my mate, my son. Then they will burn. I will kill them all.” 

Azriel drew in a breath. He had seen his brother’s power. But this- this was different. It was feral, unyielding power. He knew the promise Rhys just spoke, that even he was not free from that. That if it came to it. Rhys would protect his mate, his son, before anything else. The anguish shown in Rhys’s eyes as Azriel processed what was just said between them. That he might be Rhys’s brother, bound by a family bond, but the instinct to protect ran so deep that he knew that Rhys would destroy this world for Feyre, for his newborn son Nyx. He had seen it as he saw, as he felt Feyre dying. He felt the wave of power from Rhys. That power ready to destroy this world and everything in it. 

“Know Az. Know that I would never purposely hurt you. You are my brother. No matter what blood we have. You are my family. Just as Cassian is. Nothing will change that. Nothing.” Rhys lowered his head, tears shining, “I wish I could give everything you desire. I wish that it was different. That the cauldron gave you Elain instead of that-Lucien is young and-Elain fits you better. If it was in my power I would break that bond. I would not hesitate if I could.” 

Azriel lowered his wings not having the strength to hold them up. Elain was a dream. That is all she would be. A dream that he would keep. If all he had was a whisper and a gentle caress of her hand in greeting then he would take it. He would take anything she gave, even if it was just a glance. 

Azriel and Rhys sat together for a moment. As if they were both mourning what could have been. Azriel could not bear the silence any longer. As long as he had Rhys, he would be ok. That was how it always was. How it used to be. How it should be. These dreams were that of a child, that of a young boy, not of the male he was now. Azriel shielded himself from all emotions, putting his walls back up, cursing himself that he ever let them down. Wall by wall Azriel hid his emotions from the world. When he emerged he felt nothing but what he used to. A protector to Feyre, Rhys and now Nyx. A shadowsinger, spymaster. When Azriel spoke it was that of a shadowsinger, his voice fierce and unyielding. “What do you need me to do?” 


	2. Chapter 2

Rhys and Azriel sat down and looked at the map. Flags were placed where they knew armies resided. Each court marked, even the continent and the other lands to the east and west of them. Each court had about ten thousand men they could spare and were marked as such. Prynthian was still reeling from the loss a couple years ago, the war with Hybern taking thousands of lives and so soon after Amarantha’s reign, the courts were struggling to repopulate. Although many had come back from the various continents to find homes within the different courts. There were some courts such as Winter, Summer and Spring, who were still struggling. Azriel knew that The Summer court was still rebuilding after Hybern had attacked. The Spring Court was still in tatters after Tamlin’s treachery and Feyre showing the court their High Lords true colors. As for The Winter Court, Rhys has explained that Amarantha had wiped out many children, lesser and high fae. Rhys never spoke if he was the one to do it or if it was Amarantha herself. 

Azriel glanced at Rhys who looked to be buried in nightmares. The memories of the horrors Rhys had to do, what he had to endure then and now looked like they were flying through his mind. The things he had to do, the person he had to be. Azriel thought no less of his brother, would never think less of him. 

“Lucien is still with Vassa and Jurian in the Hewn City. As is Eris. My spies tell me they are residing in one of the palace apartments. Keir has left them well enough alone, though I think that is mostly due to Eris’s involvement.”

Rhys glanced up, pain flickering in his eyes before disappearing altogether. His voice was distant as he spoke. “Eris has chosen his side. I am not sure what his father will think.” Pausing Rhys crossed his arms and rested his chin in his hand, peering down at the map. “Eris has shown that he can be trusted. I trust him, if sanctuary is what he needs then I will give it. I am not sure what Beron will do, or if he has done something already. I’ll need to speak to Eris about it. Is he content to stay in the city?” 

Azriel nodded. “I assume so. He hasn’t said anything. Mostly stays to himself and reads. Lucien and him have been talking and fighting. I don’t know how Vassa and Jurian are fairing. They both seem to hate the city as much as we do.”

Rhys thought for a moment and studied the map. Beron had moved his troops to the western border as if he was scared he was going to be attacked from the continent. Tamlin was a different story. Both seemed to be a threat and he didn’t like the thought of it. Rhys had been tense since Feyre had given birth. His instincts wanting to guard and protect his mate and son. They both rarely left the house without Cassian, Azriel or himself going with him. The threat of another war brought chaos into Rhys’s mind. He would do anything to protect his family. 

“If we offer a house to them, they will be closer. But it has to be their choice. I will not force them to stay within my court if they do not wish to. Ask them, but also tell them that they are welcome to come and go as they please. We’ll know when they leave and come.” 

Azriel nodded and gritted his teeth. Bitterness flowing through every word, “What will you do about Lucien and Elain. She wants nothing to do with the male.” 

“It is not up to us.” Rhys’s voice cut through the room. “It is up to her. To him. If you keep-” 

Azriel snarled, “I ask for her. You’ve made yourself very clear. I do not want to force them to be near each other when Elain does not want it.” 

Rhys glared and Azriel sighed. “ I ask you because you once gave Feyre a choice. Will you not give the same to Elain?” Rhys let out a small growl in warning making Azriel scowl. “I only ask that you talk to Elain first. This is her home. She should decide whether Lucien should be able to walk in or out as he pleases.” 

Azriel knew that hit Rhysand hard. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke, “You’re right it should be Elain’s decision. I’ll have Feyre talk to her or Nesta. I want you to go to the Autumn Court with Eris the day after tomorrow. I think Beron is up to something. He’s been rather quiet lately and I want to know why.” 

Azriel nodded, he would train tomorrow and then leave early in the morning the next day. “I’ll leave at first light.”

It took them over an hour to plan exactly what Azriel was going to figure out. Neither had mentioned Elain again.

+

It was well into the night when Rhys and Azriel walked into the living room. At the movement by the door Feyre glanced up from an armchair by the fire. There was a cup of tea in one hand, a book in the other and a sleeping Nyx in a cradle at her feet, gently rocking from the gentle magic Feyre was using. 

“You took forever. I was worried that the food would be all but gone. Cassian and Nesta visited, and you know how Cassian likes to eat.” Feyre whispered and grinned, placing the book in her lap and reaching out for her mate. Rhys walked over to her and gently kissed the top of her head before bending down and softly stroked Nyx’s cheek, who cooed and stretched his small wings. 

“If you wake him I will lock you out of the house.” Feyre warned as Nyx let out another small coo in his sleep as if he heard his mother’s joke, bringing a slight smile to Feyre’s lips. 

Rhys let out a quiet laugh, “Is that a promise, Feyre darling?” Blushing Feyre nodded. Rhys grinned, a wicked gleam in his eyes that promised pleasure, “Then I must be extra careful. I would hate for my lovely mate to spend the night alone.” 

Azriel curled his shadows around himself as he watched this moment between his High Lady and his High Lord. It felt too intimate to be standing here watching them as a family. Smiling gently Azriel bent down to hug Feyre who gently stroked his arm as she settled back into the chair. The comforting touch brought back the memories of Elain holding his hand so gently he could barely feel her. 

“How are you?” Feyre said gently. 

“I am fine. Thank you for asking.” Azriel smiled in return but he knew it never reached his eyes. 

“If you ever get lonely you know you have a room here.” Gentle Feyre. So gentle and warm. Her lips matching Elain’s and eyes matching Nesta’s. So much like her sisters. She was soft and gentle but fierce and strong. He envied her strength and at times Azriel wished he could be as strong as her in these moments. 

“Thank you but I think I’ll stay at the town house. I’ll be coming in and out and I don’t want to disturb anyone.” A lie. It fell so easily from his lips it seemed as easy as breathing. 

Rhys frowned and shook his head, “You never disturb anyone Az. Don’t think like that.” A softness in his eyes that wasn’t there before as he stared at him. Azriel looked away, wanting nothing more than to be alone like he was most nights. 

Shrugging Azriel sighed, “I just meant that I wouldn’t want to wake up Nyx. Babes can be light sleepers.” Lies. All lies. He hoped his two friends didn’t catch on. But one glance at Rhys told Azriel that his friend didn’t truly believe him. Looking at him as if he wanted to know all the secrets he was hiding. He hoped that they would remain unaware of his betrayal and he could continue dreaming about Elain, but most of all he hoped they never found out about his lies. He wanted to be alone, yet he needed, craved, company more than ever. 

Azriel didn’t miss the look between Feyre and Rhys and he knew they were talking to each other through their mental bonds. He felt an ache in his chest that felt like it was burning into his very soul. “Well,” Rhys smiled at last, “You are always welcome. You know that. Plus Nyx would love you for dinner.” 

Feyre smiled as if she was recalling a memory. “Yesterday Rhys got carrots thrown at him. Nyx threw a fit because he was not getting enough attention. Nyx may be small but when he wants something he’ll get it.” 

Rhys let out a small snort, “Threw some peas too.” Nyx had been moving lately. He was almost ready to crawl. 

Azriel couldn’t help but laugh. “Mighty High Lord, slain by peas and carrots. What would the world think?” 

Rhys rolled his eyes. “Nyx barely sleeps. I’m surprised he has the energy he does.” 

“He is the son of the High Lord of Night. What did you expect?” A soft voice echoed through the room. 

Azriel had not even heard her come in, his shadow’s had not warned him she was awake. Almost as if his shadows wanted him to see her. Azriel stood perfectly still. Afraid if he moved that she would disappear into shadows. That sweet voice that gave him chills. That made him ache in all the right places. 

“Elain.” Feyre said gently, rising from the couch. “You’re still up?” 

Elain looked around nervously, her eyes cast down, not looking at Azriel, refusing to look at him. “I couldn’t sleep and I - I heard voices.” Elain glanced at Azriel before quickly looking away. A dismissal. “I didn’t know that you would be here.” 

_You._ The words fell upon him like a sword to the gut. Azriel cringed slightly at the tone. She had a right to be pissed. After all _he_ was the one to call it a mistake. _He_ was the one who left her. Had left her needing and left her after she gave him permission to-he couldn’t think about it. He remembered that night even though it was months ago. Had it been almost a year since that night by the fire and the way she smelt, the way her neck felt on his lips. Her sighs of pleasure as he kissed that tender spot on her neck that made her whimper.

“I was just leaving.” He couldn’t bring himself to look in her eyes. He knew what he would see. Pain. Regret. He didn’t have the courage to look. To find out what damage he did that night. _A mistake_ he called it. A gods damn fool he was. His shadows clung to him and he clung back. She looked so small standing there. Her light pink nightgown hung above her ankles, and her dark green robe tied to her waist, showing how slim she was. Azriel knew that his hand would wrap around her waist, a small thing she was. That if she stood in front of him the top of her head would barely reach his chest. He just wanted to hold her. Protect her. Every male instinct was telling him that she was his. At first Azriel had thought it was the mating bond. The first time he saw her he thought, maybe she was the one. But then Lucien shouted ‘mate’ and all his dreams were shattered. Shattered by something that nothing could break. 

He knew his feelings were stupid. Why would she choose him over her own mate? A bond like that was treasured above all else. He wished a good night sleep to Rhys and Feyre and stepped into the dimly lit hall, Elain’s scent still lingering, his pants tightening. Breathing in her scent, not wanting to forget how sweet she had smelt he walked into the garden and flew into the night. If this was all he was going to get, then he would take it. Azriel thought it was the sweetest torture but at least this small part would be his. 

+

As soon as Elain got back to her rooms she fell into the door, breathing coming in hard breaths. Placing her hand above her heart she could feel it racing, she hoped that none of them had heard it. When she first saw the shadowsinger, a tight feeling wormed her way into her chest, an aching desire that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard she tried to forget. She could still feel his feather light touch, his hands so gentle and so warm against her neck. The way his hands had cradled her head. She had felt so safe, so warm. Her heart was still racing as she thought of Azriel, and how he looked standing in the shadows. He looked sad, lonely. Elain hoped that he would brush her hand like he used to, how he would glance at her from behind his shadow, eyes brightening as his eyes found hers. She could hear him now. Lingering in the hallway, his steady heartbeat a thread that beat in time with his shadows. 

Wandering over to the big floor to ceiling windows in her room that overlooked her garden, she sighed. She was still living with Feyre and Rhys, both of whom made no effort to make her leave nor had shown that they wanted her too. As long as she was welcome, the manor was her home too. She missed the House of Wind though, missed them all being together. But most of all she missed being so close to Azriel. In the months after the war she had thought they had gotten close. But now she wondered if she had made it all up. 

As if being able to hear her friend’s sorrow, Nuala peeked her head in from a small door behind a gossamer curtain. “I heard you were awake. Do you need anything?” 

Nuala, who was half corporeal tonight, stepped fully into the room as Elain wrapped her arms around herself. “I want something that no one can give.” She said quietly that even Nuala had to strain to hear.

Humming Nuala grabbed a light pink throw from a plush chair and gently placed it on her shoulders. Elain made no move to wrap the blanket around herself, the room cold, but warm enough to ignore. “Does this have anything to do with-”

“No,” Elain said harshly and winced at her tone. “I mean, no. I just think maybe I made it all up. Perhaps I wished too hard and something I thought was real was not.” 

She thought of Azriel and how in those few years he had made her smile and wish. How he made her feel the sun’s warmth once again instead of the hard feeling cold that pierced her heart after she crawled out of the cauldron. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Nuala’s voice was warm and comforting. 

“I think I just want to be alone right now.” Elain murmured, it was all the energy she had left.” Only after hearing the click of the door did she let her tears fall. 

A movement in the garden caught her eye and Elain watched as she saw Azriel step onto the grass and spread his wings before taking flight. She watched him until all she could see were the stars shining. Even as the house of lights on the mountain dimmed and flickered out one by one, its occupants going to sleep, still she watched. She watched until her feet hurt and her eyes grew tired and heavy and only then did she make her way back into bed, closing her eyes. As she closed her eyes she could have sworn that the shadows in the corners of the room had wrapped around her, lulling her into a deep sleep. Her dreams filled with shadows and warmth and nothing woke her for the rest of the night. 

+

Azriel woke to light streaming into the bedroom. After he had left the manor he had flown as hard as he could, just to shake Elain’s scent from his mind. Nothing helped, not even the few hours he spent gripping himself in his hand. He woke this morning with shadows curling in his ear and whispering to him, telling him she was still asleep in bed. _She still sleeps. Such a deep sleep. Wrapped in dreams she is._ These past months were the only months in his long existence that he was grateful, truly grateful for his shadows. Without them he didn’t have a piece of her. Azriel groaned and sat up, head aching, his feet hitting the floor.

The one thing he hated about the town house was how small it seemed now. He hadn’t realized, but when no one was here, the house felt small, tiny and so quiet he could hear a pin drop. Despite the house, thanks to plans Rhys and he drew up centuries ago, built to fit wings, the house now felt suffocating. The garden was dying and the light that had lived within the walls were silent and dead. Azriel couldn't help but think it was perfect for him. He was worthy of nothing else. 

Stretching Azriel wandered into the kitchen for something to eat. Only to be hit with disappointment when all he found was a stale packet of Rhys’s favorite crackers and a few bottles left on the shelf of Cassian's Ale, a thin layer of dust coating the tops. He groaned and fell into the cabinet door, his head letting out a thump. He would have to go up to the house or the manor if he wanted food. He could go to a restaurant in the city but the thought of dealing with everyone put a stop to that thought. He would rather stay away from Rhys too, yet at the same time he missed him. Chucking the crackers in the bin Azriel walked out to the front deciding that he was going to go train. Hopefully the training ring would be empty at this early hour. 

As Azriel flew above the city, his shadows warned him that four people were training in the ring. From this distance he could see Cassian’s wings and Nesta and Feyre’s golden hair. Feyre and Cassian were training and Nesta and her friend Gwyn were off to the side doing core work. 

Swift and steady he landed with a soft whisper on the grass. Cassian looked up as Azriel stalked to the pit off to the side to grab a sword. He knew Cassian was walking to him before he heard Cassian, thanking his shadows for the warning he turned and met his friend who was standing with a small smirk on his face. 

“You’ve finally come out of the shadows then?” 

Azriel rolled his eyes. “Am I not allowed to have bad days brother?” 

Cassian cracked his knuckles and adjusted his stance, ready if Azriel were to launch an attack at him. 

“I didn’t say that. I just know something is up. You don’t want to talk. Fine, I respect that. Although I assume this thing that has you in a mood these past few months has something to do with whatever you found out those few days on the continent.” Azriel snorted and swung the sword in his hand, getting used to the balance of it. “Rhys and I have been giving you space. But we are worried about you. We haven’t seen you this way since-” 

“I’m fine.” Azriel spat out. “Rhys gets moody and it's fine. You get moody and it’s fine. Am I not allowed to have days that throw me off.” He growled and swung the sword hard, the sound of it ringing in the air.

Cassian grabbed a sword next to him, “No one is saying you can’t.” His voice steady a hint of anger between his words. 

“Good. Then let me figure this out on my own.” 

Cassian glanced behind him. Feyre had begun to train with the other girls who were slick with sweat. Mor holding Nyx on the covered patio overlooking the training pit. Gwyn glanced up and met Azriel’s stare and gave a soft smile. Azriel quickly looked away only to fall on a small rose necklace on her neck. He hated the sight of it. He hated that he hadn’t just returned it at the store. Now Gwyn, had it. He was glad that it made her happy, he just didn’t think it suited her. Where Gwyn was rough and courageous and would go running into battle, Elain was soft but fierce. But there was something about Elain, he could feel it. She was different, even among her sisters, something brewed inside of her. Something wanted to emerge, something powerful. It made his shadows long for her, made his shadows want to disappear. It was as if they knew this tiny female, one whose head barely reached his collar bones, could defeat the world. 

Cassian followed his sight. Both of them clearly thinking the exact opposite. “You know, Gwyn was talking about your necklace this morning and how much it reminded her of the roses of her home. It was very nice of you.” 

Azriel hummed in response, “It was nothing.” It really was nothing. At the time he didn’t even consider Gwyn a friend. He barely knew her and had only trained with her a few weeks and only on the days he wasn’t on the continent spying for Rhys. He had only ever spent a few hours with her on the days that they did train, and even then he tried to keep it professional. When he had found her- he couldn’t even think about it. She was so strong to go through what she did. He knew her to be a fierce friend and he respected her, he just didn’t yearn for her in the way he yearned for Elain. 

“Was it?” Azriel looked at Cassian weirdly who had a distant look on his face as if he was trying to read him and see between the lines. “The necklace? In the centuries I’ve known you, the only person you ever gave jewelry to was Mor, Amren and then Feyre. I thought it was something when Gwyn said Clotho said you dropped it off for her as a solstice present. You didn’t even get Emerie anything.” 

“I got it for someone else but they were-” He tried to find the words that fit. “They were unavailable. I couldn’t return the necklace so I thought Gwyn might like it. Females like jewelry as far as I can remember. Plus Emerie doesn’t like roses, she likes the lilies that grow under the light of the moon.” Lies. Every single word out of his mouth was lies. Of course he could return the damn necklace, he just hoped Cassian didn’t know that. He hated lying, especially to Cassian and Rhys. He felt a pain in his heart at the thought of hurting them. 

Azriel let a small smile show when Cassian bumped him with his wing, a sign of affection, “Well brother.” Cassian chuckled, “Whatever female is biting your ass I hope they are as good in bed as out of it.” Cassian looked at his brother who took a second to respond, he looked miles away, a small glint in his eye but relaxed when Azriel turned toward him, shadows relaxing near his face.

Azriel grinned at the thought of Elain looking up at him from a pile of blankets, cheeks flushed and body glowing. “I am sure it will be the best I’ve had.” Truth. He was sure Elain would be the best, who wasn’t as innocent as she let others believe. Elain, a thing of secret, lovely beauty.

Cassian shoved him out of the way, grinning as he walked to the training ring. He was happy his brother was making jokes again. Azriel had been worrying him. He had moved out of the house, though that was probably his and Nesta’s fault. They were still in bed many times a day and most places in the house. It was luck that Azriel hadn’t walked in on them in some room of the house yet. “Ladies.” He yelled to them across the ring. “Go get a sword, no more sitting around. Don’t think I didn’t notice you lying about behind my back.” 

Azriel grinned as a loud groan went up from the three girls as they got up. Nesta and Feyre paired up, leaving Gwyn to him. Gwyn walked up to him and smiled, “Can I train with you today?” 

Azriel nodded, his shadows dancing around his shoulders as they once did when they were around her. A different dance then around Elain he noted. His shadows were alive now, humming with secrets. With Elain, they all but disappeared. Almost as if they were certain that nothing would harm him, giving him peace, a quiet he never got. 

“First fix your stance. One move and your ankle will sprain. Remember that. You keep putting more weight on your front leg. You want to be even. Balanced. That way you can move from foot to foot easily and evade your enemies weapons easily.” 

Gwyn fixed her stance and fixed her grip on the sword she held in her hand. Azriel shook his head and reached out, grabbing her wrist and slightly tilting it. Gwyn shuddered and breathed out, goosebumps on her skin looking to see if the shadowsinger had noticed. Azriel who gripped her wrist gave no inclination he did, or he just ignored it. Gwyn didn’t know whether to feel relieved or not. 

“There. See how that feels different.” Azriel said as he let go of her wrist. 

Gwyn nodded. Azriel’s soft touch still lingering on her skin, much too hot. But the shadow singer just turned and dragged a wooden dummy towards her. “Good. Now I want to see the sword movements you’ve been practicing.” Trainor and tranie. That’s what they were. But as Gwyn swung the sword, hearing Azriel’s murmurs of encouragement. She couldn’t help but hope and she let that kernel burn bright into the very middle of her chest. Azriel on the other hand couldn’t stop thinking about Elain and how she truly would be the best he’d ever get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Chapter two!
> 
> This one took me a while to write. I have the book plotted it's sometimes hard to plot the filler chapters though. This chapter is angsty thought!


End file.
